-This the very start of Life on Faith and Fumes. I didn't know at that time that one day I would be able to use my grief to help others. January 4, 2021, my world turned upside down and inside out. I knew the moment the doctor came into Robert's hospital room that my world would be different. I can't even remember the doctor's name, and most of the time spent listening to his words has become a memory blur. I remember Stage 4 bladder cancer and that I had weeks, maybe months but unlikely a year with the love of my life. I can still hear my outcry ringing in my ears as he says the words no wife wants to hear. He quietly slipped his hand out of mine as Amber, a nurse, came in to comfort me. There was no consoling me. I didn't know how to be brave or strong. My whole world was changing, and it didn't seem real.
All other sounds faded away in those moments as Psalm 23:4 began playing in my head repeatedly as I tackled each new task of taking care of Robert until he went home to God. I heard Psalm 23:4 in my head as I told Robert the news. I heard it as I broke the news to my family. I heard it in the lonely quiet hours as I sat by his bedside, willing him to live and get well.
Psalm 23:4
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I heard Psalm 23:4 the night I stood watching my husband leave this world for his reward. I still hear it today, always the thought that God is there to comfort me as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
This horrible moment was the beginning of "On Faith and Fumes." I have run on empty for over a year, and I have been putting one foot in front of the other with true hope that I will feel normal again one day. There is no normal in living in the shadow of the valley of death, and there is only faith and fumes. I want to give purpose to my pain.
I want to be a lighthouse shining God's love letting others know that they can walk through this pain and live on faith and fumes. I think when we are empty, God shows his true power. Because when we are empty, when we are living on fumes, it is only through the power of God and our faith that we can move mountains. I want to move mountains; I will move mountains.
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